Staying the course (when you don’t wanna)

Some days you just don’t wanna… you know? No matter what way I phrase this, it never sounds good on paper, but the truth is that having circumstances you didn’t pick of your own volition controlling your entire life can be beyond frustrating.  And wow, does that lead to a desire to throw in the biggest towel, in a clamorous and elaborate fashion.  I have some pretty dramatic ways of doing this, and it has been a exploration of my own interior halls to really see what this is on about.

I used to think it was about independence, about doing anything that I want, about being FREE! And that’s entirely reasonable, right? Freedom is a good thing.  It’s what all living beings deserve.  Weren’t we given free will by the Divine Presence?    

See, I have discovered that choosing to rock the boat that’s already lost a mast and might be leaking is a form of self abuse.

I don’t use this term lightly, I promise. One day, in an particularly open state of mind, I found myself wandering through this topic and discovered that I was so angry at my body that I was picking on it, like I might with an annoying brother or sister that I knew how to expertly poke. Except my way of picking on it was to eat things that I knew would cause it distress: it was to not drink enough water through the day and see how far I could push it, and blaming my choice on being too busy or forgetting.  I would even just be mad at my body, pointing rage at it like it had betrayed me on purpose. 

Then, like a child, I would stand back and watch my body melt down.  I would get mad at it for responding like my rage was the huge betrayal that it was. To be clear, not every time I had a crisis was for this reason, lest we pull the same shame card that society does to all people who are physically ill or who struggle with mental illness. I am just talking about an experience of a circumstance that is deeply challenging. (I will write a second blog post about my struggle with patterns, tiredness and struggles to stay afloat next).  

How do you continue to say yes to your body’s need while disenchanted with your body, your diet, your life and your choices that you have to make under duress? Needy body, greedy body!!  Aaaack!!! SOS! Bring in the unconditional love! 

I don’t have the answer to this.  I really don’t.  

Sometimes that makes me angry too, yet, here we are. 

What I do have are some ways that I back myself off the ledge that seem to be helping. These have been the little life lines.

Creativity has become a powerful ally… it seems to be a powerful tool that inspires hope for me, or reminds me of meaning when it seems to be lacking. Its has an amazing capacity to redefine purpose as being not something that I am doing in the world, like a job, or a role I play with people, but as a qualitative approach to the life around me.  

I look for wonder around me.  This happens via a few ways that I have intentionally been seeking out when the familiar antsy pangs of “I hate this” come around.  Some of those have become: 

• Finding a new beverage to make, served in a fancy glass I like, drunk while sitting in the yard and bee watching. 
• Waking up early and watching the sunrise, or if I am too tired in the morning, making sure I am outside for the sunset.  Sometimes I invite my husband to join me. I bought a free standing hammock to swing in while we watch!
• Taking my puppy for a walk and seeing what is different in my neighborhood this week.  If someone comes by, saying hi and connecting for  a minute. 
• Finding a new park I have never been to before and seeing what is neat about it for people who like to go there. 
• Inviting a friend or someone I want to get to know better to try my new Puerh and Ginger tea I made and devour a new poetry book I found at Powells.
• Sitting outside at night with a blanket, a warm puppy and looking at the stars and wondering what they might be thinking. Do they have their own name that they call themselves? 
• I started singing in a community choir. I gave myself permission to bow out without shame if it was too much.

These are my ways, but you have your own that will help you too when the sense of control is too much.   How could you do it?  

What causes the little tiny flutter in your heart when you think about it? 

What inspires you to hope?